Healthy Relationships and Psychology was founded to provide expert advice and therapy to couples experiencing significant relationship distress. Our psychologists work with couples to address a range of problems that can place an intimate relationship under strain. These areas include…
1/ The breakdown of effective communication and conflict resolution.
2/ Differences in parenting strategies, expectations and steps to child behaviour management.
3/ The management of interpersonal disputes between partners and their ‘in-laws’.
4/ Differences in sexual attitudes, needs and sexual desire discrepancies (this can include the management of sexual disorders if they are present).
5/ The impact of affairs (be they emotional or sexual/physical in nature).
6/ The impact of mental health concerns such as depression, anxiety or other lifelong conditions such as Bipolar Disorder on the relationship.
Marriage therapy and Relationships Counselling: Emotion Focussed Therapy (EFT)
Emotional Focussed Therapy an evidence-based, scientifically oriented therapy, developed from the 1990’s by Dr Susan Johnson and Dr Leslie Johnson at the International Centre for Excellence in Emotion Focussed Therapy. Emotion Focussed Therapy has generated a substantial body of research over the last 30-years, which has confirmed the therapy’s ability to reduce the frequency and severity of interpersonal conflict for couples in intimate relationships.
70-75% of couples who complete around 12-sessions of Emotion Focussed Therapy move from extreme distress to full recovery, while 90% of all couple’s report experiencing at least substantial benefit from the approach. Emotion Focussed Therapy works by firstly exploring the nature of the couple’s cycle of maladaptive conflict. This cycle is then modified to recreate a capacity for the couple to negotiate differences more effectively through a new cycle of conflict resolution. Research has also demonstrated that positive changes achieved in therapy tend to be robust over time. The majority of couples report being able to maintain their progress for more than two years after the termination of their sessions.
EFT is based on a theory of intimate relationships called Attachment Theory. Attachment theory was developed on the premise that human beings are ‘wired’ for interpersonal relationships. We function better and more adaptively when we are supported by a partner that we know is there for us consistently over time. Intimate partners can be a secure base for growth and a safe haven when we’re faced with significant challenges in life, such as the death of a family member or the loss of a job. When intimate relationships become distressed, the sense of closeness with a partner is lost, a partner no longer feels accessible, reachable and engaged in the relationship. This can trigger a range of deep and strong emotions including fear, anxiety, sadness and hurt as the person’s core needs for closeness and support is no longer met.
What is a maladaptive cycle of conflict resolution?
When relationships are in distress and conflict cannot be negotiated effectively, the couple is likely to find themselves in a repeated pattern of maladaptive conflict resolution. This pattern is a feedback loop, a cycle that is predictable and recurrent over time. Couples often come to therapy with a gut feeling that they are stuck in some sort of cycle that is hindering their resolution of conflict. Couples often attend their first session stating clearly that they know communication is ‘the problem’, but they cant seem to find a way forward. Maladaptive cycles of conflict are maintained by two core positions that each individual takes in their conflict: the “Pursuer” and the “Withdrawer”. Broadly, couples fall into a pattern in which one person pursues the other for communication and co-operation to resolve issues of concern. However in response, the other person tends to withdraw, disengage from the conversation or to respond with defensiveness or combativeness. This can lead sometimes to escalations (an Attack/Defend cycle) that can include very intense interactions without resolution of the concern. At other times, the interaction can result in an impasse in which both individuals stop trying to engage with each other – which can sometimes last for days! (a Withdraw/Withdraw cycle). While cycles can have different positions, the underlying or core cycle is one that includes Pursue/Withdraw positions.
The Pursuer
The Pursuer often comes to therapy feeling burnt out. They often describe feeling tired and exhausted with their efforts to resolve conflict that never seems to get anywhere. Pursuers also describe various efforts to engage their partner in discussion on difficult issues from a range of angles: speaking gently and softly so as not to scare their partner away through to speaking angrily to spark engagement. They often feel like they’re ‘walking on egg shells’ – unable to raise important issues without triggering conflict or withdrawal from their partner. Pursuers may speak firmly and directively to put more pressure on their partner to respond. Sometimes they may loose control over their own frustration with their failed attempts to engage their partner and in an intense moment express intense anger. Pursuers describe their partners reactions as defensive and/or avoidant. Their partner seems to debate and defend their behaviour and opinions without giving an inch! This can trigger deeper feelings of sadness, hopelessness and even despair for the Pursuer who’s needs to feel heard, understood and prioritised by their partner never seems to be met. Over time, the deeper the sadness felt the more likely the Pursuer will try to engage their partner with expressed anger, which serves to push their partner into a defensive or withdrawn position, guaranteeing the pursuer’s needs will never be met.
The Withdrawer
The Withdrawer also often comes to therapy tired and exhausted with the cycle as well – after all, cycles have a life of their own that neither party wants. They often describe feeling ‘hen pecked’ or chastised by their partner. Withdrawers can also have a sense of walking on egg shells around their partner, anxious that saying the wrong thing might trigger an angry outburst from their partner or more lecturing and hounding. While conflict is never enjoyable people differ with how easily they feel they can tolerate intense discussions. Withdrawers often say that they are naturally very uncomfortable with conflict and tense discussions. They may be aware of their own instinctive tendency to avoid raising issues of concern or to avoid engaging in tense discussions – which is usually a strategy they employ to reduce their emotional discomfort during arguments. Likewise, Pursuers will readily acknowledge that while they don’t enjoy conflict, they will just as readily say that they are more comfortable with conflict if they feel is it necessary to resolve differences. Over time, Withdrawers also report a deeper sadness or hurt that results from their sense that they will never be listened to or prioritised in the relationship, which serves to reinforce their sense of hopelessness and efforts to withdraw to cope.
What is the goal of EFT?
A core concept in Emotion Focussed Therapy is that no partner is to blame. The problem is not the Pursuer or the Withdrawer individually, the problem is the cycle of interaction. The cycle has become an unwelcome third party in the room that stops the couple from resolving their differences and maintaining a close, loving and stable relationship. The maladaptive cycle of conflict resolution is the wedge that pushes the couple apart. Hence, blaming or fault finding is not a focus of Emotion Focussed Therapy. EFT therapists, regardless of their own gender, maintain a neutral perspective in therapy. The goal of EFT is to firstly understand the nature of the couple’s cycle. Who’s the Pursuer and who’s the Withdrawer? How does the Pursuer pursue? What does the withdrawer do and say in response? Does the cycle ever reverse? Does the Withdrawer becomes the Pursuer and the Pursuer become the Withdrawer?
Other outcomes of EFT therapy include healing from the effects of affairs (with the recreation of trust), more effective management of sexual concerns (such as discrepancies in sexual desire between the couple) and more cohesive management of challenging interpersonal relationships between partners and their in-laws.
Healthy Relationships and Psychology – Brisbane Central provides services to Paddington, Auchenflower, Toowong, Herston, Kelvin Grove, Ashgrove, Spring Hill, New Farm, Teneriffe, Windsor, Newmarket, Wilston, Windsor and Enoggera suburbs as well as the inner Brisbane CBD area.
Healthy Relationships and Psychology – Northside provides services to the Newport, Scarborough, Redcliffe, Margate, Kippa-Ring, Rothwell, North Lakes, Mango Hill, North Brisbane, Burpengary, Morayfield and Caboolture areas.